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I Want to Be Jeff Goldblum

I want my former costar Glenn Close to call me “charm personified.”

If You Can’t Say Anything Nice, Write a One-Star Review

No author dodged readers who were indifferent to masterpieces.

It’s Old to Be Ugly and Fat and Lonely and Uncomfortable

Everything white is a white spider. The spider spins regardless of color.

Jane’s Story

I’d done what no woman of my race and social station had ever done.

Jealous Husband Returns in Form of Parrot

I was the man in her life. I know I’m different now. Now I’m a bird.

John Barth, Undergraduate Academic Adviser

Barth looked after his students beyond anything expected of him.

Kindling

He’s got it out. And I say Who’s there right now? Just your ex-wife.

Last Night with the Brothers K

You know that sex isn’t everything. It’s time to get a move on.

Letters to God after Seeing a Sign for the National Shrine of the Infant Jesus of Prague in Prague, Oklahoma

There was a special kind of power in playing the father of God.

Life Is Meals

The wine was administered to Theo’s lips, and then the rest of us.

Lorrie Moore

What can go heartbreakingly wrong, and what would you do?

Malaga

We skip across the surface like a stone slung by a giant travel agent.

Marauder with Flag

I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve died on camera before. It’s not so bad.

Married Cartoonists: The True Story

People assume married cartoonists are laughing all the time.

Mastering English

If you play, decide three things: the rules, stakes, and quitting time.

Meeting at the Gate

He showered, shaved, put on a clean shirt, then lay down to die.

Merry Elf

They’d developed Santa’s entire system, had written the code.

Missed Reality Show Opportunities from the Past

A romp through everyday dramas with Hemingway, Kafka, and more!

My Mess of Conflicting Emotions

Though I’ve never killed anything myself, I’ve been complicit.

My Mom Serves Tea to Her Robbers

She was so happy they were going to save her from the city of Dallas.

My Thanksgiving Procedure

My girlfriend, Sweet Polly Purebred, left me for George of the Jungle.

My Watch: An Instructive Little Tale

He looked a look of vicious happiness and eagerly pried the watch open.

Narrative 10

Narrative 10

I’ve found that love has provided my life’s happiest moments.

Narrative 10

I simply wrapped my arms around Maxey and held on for dear life.

Narrative 10

A friend of my father’s once told me, “You’ll never be a writer.”

Narrative 10

I’m a big fan of then. A novel needs a lot of thens.

Narrative 10

I like to think of love as something that one should keep feeding, like a fire.

New York City

Night Dreams

I hang there, upside down, watching Bronwyn, her face beatific.